The Only Lullaby

I was recently watching the movie Philomena, when I felt it. The sadness boiling up again, threatening to spill over and burn every part of me. In the movie (spoiler alert), Philomena’s 3 year old son is taken away from her, against her will. She watches as he is crying and fighting and driving away…

Cute Mom or Wet, Tired Dog?

A few weeks ago I had the opportunity to attend a women’s conference called “Pursue the Passion” with one of my best friends and our little babies. The worship leader was Meredith Andrews and the keynote speaker was Jen Hatmaker (my blogger/speaker/author crush), so it was pretty much a dream come true.   I caught a…

The Waiting Room

Yesterday I had my 30 week pre-natal OB appointment. As I sat in the waiting room, I watched a couple walk back in from the Ultrasound room. They had the fresh pictures of their little baby folded up and gripped tightly. They both sat down and didn’t say a word to each other. They didn’t…

Although He was a Son

“Following Jesus is a lifelong journey, filled with glorious mountaintops and low, dark valleys.” – From She Reads Truth, Hebrews Study Since our loss, I have found that I have become more fearful for Riley’s life.  There are many nights when I will feel completely gripped by terror, as horrific images enter my mind of…

Prone to Leave the God I Love

It’s interesting: if you had asked either Jordan or I just a week ago about how we have been doing with our loss lately, we would both have answered “fine!”  We might say something along the lines of, “Of course we are still sad and miss our son, but overall we have been doing fine…

The Communal Dance of Joy and Mourning

I saw it out of the corner of my eye, one second too late. Not soon enough to stop it from happening. Riley excitedly grabbed the “Big Sister” book off the library shelf – the same big sister book that we had bought her in the fall, that we had her open at her birthday…

“My Son is Gone” – My Husband’s Processing of our Loss

Recently, my husband wrote about our miscarriage.  I hope that this will be helpful for men who are also processing such a devastating loss. Here is what he wrote (you can visit his new blog here): My Son is Gone (I wrote this February 25th but it has been hard to muster up the energy to revisit…

Salem

In my other posts about our recent miscarriage, you may have noticed me talking about my “son.” Though it was far too early to have known anything about gender before we lost our child, for a few weeks prior to our loss, Jordan and I had both been certain that this was a boy. When…

The Freedom to Fall Apart

I thought I was doing much better. Whatever doing “better” means, after you lose a child. I had a few weeks in the beginning where I was completely in survival mode, but then I did the opposite. I kept filling my schedule. I stayed busy. I cleaned and I cooked and had play dates and…

Marks of my Son

Last weekend, Jordan and I each took turns having a 24 hour personal retreat.  I  went in to the weekend thinking it was going to be rejuvenating.  I had major plans for Chinese takeout, chocolate, binge TV watching, reading, and sleeping in. Honestly, it didn’t turn out as amazing as it sounds. It’s ironic: staying…

The Pep Talk

As I have mentioned in recent posts, I have been struggling to be a mother to a two year old as I grieve and recover from the miscarriage. Don’t get me wrong, I am so incredibly thankful for Riley! Probably more thankful than I have ever been, as I am made acutely aware of just…

Processing the Physical part of Miscarriage (and Hemorrhaging)

*The reason that I decided to write about my physical process of miscarriage is in hopes that it might help other women in similar situations.  When I came home from the hospital, I had no idea how to start processing what had happened and felt desperate for someone to understand what I was going through….