The other day I pulled out my phone to take a picture of my kids but my to my dismay, I could not take a picture. My phone storage was full. At capacity. No room for any more pictures.
I can relate to my phone. Lately I feel like I am always at full storage. I’m always feeling overwhelmed. And stressed out. As a introverted, Highly Sensitive Person, being with two little people (who are also extremely needy and demanding) means that I am at max capacity at.all.times. My relational margin feels very narrow, and yet I have a lot going on. A lot of commitments. A lot of weekly plans.
My system is in overdrive. My internal systems are screaming at me, “FULL storage! No room!”
Honestly, the transition to two kids has been difficult for me. This has been humbling and perhaps even a little embarrassing at times. I always had this picture in my head of what kind of mother I would be. In my mind, I was just going to love having little babies around! I would snuggle them all day, I would be engaging and filled with joy at all times. These little blessings would total satisfy the longings of my heart.
And for the most part, that is actually what my first few years with Riley were like. I’m sure that I was sometimes that annoying mom who just posted all of these pictures and blog posts that made everything look so blissful. Because honestly, it kind of was! Especially years 1 -2 and a half! She was a pretty easy and we would have sweet little days together. It was rich. I deeply enjoyed it, and tried to soak it in. And I was able to because I was getting breaks. She would take 3 hour daily naps (it’s true) and had an early bed time.
And then I had another kid.
Copeland honestly is the easiest baby I could ever imagine, which is part of why I feel embarrassed for thinking that it’s hard. He is easy, but he is still a baby. Which means he needs to eat (a lot. Off of my body for that matter) and be burped and changed and put down for naps and tended to in the middle of the night. All while also taking care of a demanding 3-year old who no longer naps and is also waking up in the middle of the night with nightmares.
I’m exhausted. And maxed out. I feel like I have nothing left over at the end of the day, and somehow I keep running on fumes for so many other things.
Storage FULL. Internal systems screaming “May – day! May – day!”.
So this year is a year of some major simplifying. I’ve been trying to practice saying “no” frequently (which is very difficult for me!). I’m giving myself the permission to scale down to the bare minimum: Meeting with the Lord. Tending to my kids. Tending to my marriage. Taking care of myself. Eating, sleeping (when possible) and sometimes showering ;). I’ve stepped down from church leadership positions. I’m unapologetically setting boundaries around my life that will allow me to function well as a daughter of God, wife, and mother of two as I am. Me, Krystal. Not some other person I look at who has a higher capacity for being around people, or some figment of my imagination created by Pinterest.
Maybe that will be my word for the year.
Unfortunately, I have lived too much of the past 30 years of my life trying to please people and get people to like me. I struggle to say “no” and I’ve believed the lie that I have to prove myself through ministry and involvement. When I speak up and try to set a boundary, I am apologetic about it.
But that life is only leading me to burnout, and staying home with two is forcing me into a new place of forming healthy and protective boundaries.
I have a feeling that God has a lot for me in this season, and I need the margin to hear and receive. I love when He leads us into new places of freedom, beside the still waters.
I have a feeling it’s going to be a good year <3.