On a cool morning earlier this week, I went on a walk with God.
Have you ever had times in your life where you feel like you’ve lost control? I don’t mean in a going crazy way (or do I?), I mean have you ever felt like somehow you’ve slipped out of the driver’s seat of your life and instead you are hanging onto a rope tied to the back of the car?
I know we don’t really control our lives, many circumstances are out of our control. But there is a role that intentionality, routine, health and balance can play in driving our day to day lives. When we aren’t using these things as a rudder to steer the ship, we end up reacting to the bumps and rocks on the road, without our hands on the wheel to direct us.
That is how I’ve felt lately. Jordan and I have been so exhausted and burnt out. We’ll make jokes to each other about how we need to get our act together, but it’s not really a joke. It feels like each day has just been taking us for a spin, leaving us worn out at the end. I feel like I’ve been reacting to a series of moments, rather than entering my days prepared and with intention.
I knew I needed to get out and be with God for a little while. If my relationship with God is the most important relationship in my life (which it is), then I need to fight for alone time with Him. Just like Jordan and I get babysitters and go on dates to make sure that we are connecting, I need to make space and time to connect with Jesus. So for two hours while Jordan had a morning off from work, I grabbed a cup of coffee and went on a long, emotional, and refreshing walk at a local park.
And God met me there.
As I was walking, I was thinking about my daughter running around earlier that morning with a big smile on her face. And suddenly this reality hit me: God was there watching me when I was her age. I started to wonder: when He watched me take my first steps as a child, did He picture this moment 28 years later, when I would be walking with Him, praying and worshiping? And if so, what moments in my future does He think about now? I hope there are many moments of closeness with me that He looks forward to.
Shortly after this thought, as if God were responding to me, the song “You are Not Alone” by Meredith Andrews streamed across my Pandora station. This line really struck me:
My love I’ve never left your side,
I have seen you through the darkest night,
And I’m the one who’s loved you all your life,
All of your life
I know it sounds like such a simple thought, but it was so profound when I let it sink in. God has never left my side. He has been right there with me in every single moment of my life. From that moment when I took my first toddler steps until this walk with him on a cool October morning, He has been involved in every single moment. He was there for ever tear, every nervous flutter in my stomach, every disappointment, joy, victory, failure, and every aching of my heart. He has been there when I have made the time to seek Him, but He has also been there in the moments when I’ve neglected to. In the moments that I’ve read His word, and the moments that I’ve cursed His name. He was there when I abandoned Him, and He was there when I returned to Him, broken and ashamed.
And He is here now. In the throes of toddler mommying, in the insomnia and lack of sleep, in the busy rush of life, in the additional childcare job I feel incapable of doing, in the hopes and dreams and fears for the future and the deepest longings of my heart.
He never left my side. He has loved me all my life.
Even in the times when I feel like I’ve lost my grip on the steering wheel, I can rest assured that He has not. He is in my every moment. When I have failed to be intentional, routined, healthy, and balanced, I can trust that He has not. He has already gone before me, and He is inviting me into the work that He is already doing. He is being intentional with me even when I’ve lost my own intentionality.
And somehow that truth has carried me through the rest of this week.