An Open Letter to my Daughter: I am Enthralled.

Sweet daughter,

This morning we had a moment. Another one of those “I want to bottle this up” moments. It was early in the morning. You were watching Mickey and I was drinking my 2nd cup of coffee in a zombie-like manner. I looked over at you and you were just so beautiful. You were laying down in just your diaper with your head on the throw pillow and a blanket only pulled over your knees. I couldn’t help it. I put my coffee down and lay down with you. I wrapped my arm around you and lay my head on your chest. You would think I would be too heavy for you to hold me, but you didn’t seem to mind at all. We laid there for about 10 or 15 blissful minutes. I felt the steady rise and fall of your chest, listened to the rhythmic thumping of your heart, and breathed in your powdery smell. And I was just completely captivated. Enthralled. Smitten.

Sweetheart, I am just so in love with you. I’m drawn in by you. Just entirely entranced, mesmerized, and enamored.

The way I feel about you is so powerful, I knew that I needed to write it down for you to read one day. Because I want you to know how lovable and wanted you are. It would be easy for me to keep this sweet moment to myself, feeling satisfied simply in the ways that you overwhelm me with delight.

And I almost did just that, held it in. But then I realized that I don’t want you to be a 28 year old who struggles to believe she is lovable. Who has difficulty accepting her husband’s love. Or her Savior’s love. Who believes she is no one’s preference. Who battles self-loathing and self pity. Who struggles to love herself or to even like herself. Who could not imagine the thought of someone being “enthralled” or “overwhelmed” in delight of her.

I don’t want you to be 28 year old me.

I want you to be secure. I want you to live freely in acceptance of the beauty that you are!

I know that I cannot control all the experiences you will have in your life, what you are exposed to, what people will say or do to you or what messages you will receive from them. I cannot control how you see yourself as you get older.

But I want you to see how I see you. How I experience you. I don’t ever want to cease to tell you how much you are loved and enjoyed. And I pray that in some small way, God will use my words to show you your worth, and write His message of love on your heart.


I love you Little Goose. I love you so much that it moves me and motivates me and melts me.


The Beauty of Bread (Recipe Included)

Growing up, it was always an exciting night when my mom made her homemade bread as a dinner side. She was known for her tasty homemade bread, and for good reason. My siblings and I loved to spread instantly melting butter over the warm doughy deliciousness and often asked for seconds.

My mom eventually turned it into a ministry. At our church, she started a group (called the “Bread Ministry”) where people would take turns baking bread to give out to visitors on Sunday mornings. It was a great entry point for starting a conversation, and a way to bless those who walked through those intimidating doors for the first time. I remember admiring my mom, (even during my rebellious teen years) for starting something so awesome.

So perhaps it is to follow in my own mother’s footsteps that I have recently taken on the hobby of baking my own bread (and by “taken on” I mean I’ve only done it once so far.) As I type, I have my second ever bread attempt in the oven, filling our apartment with a tantalizing aroma. Fingers crossed that the sourdough loaves turn out as good as the honey wheat ones did the first time around!

I love the way the smell of baking bread fills our apartment. I love the way it requires me to work with my hands, carefully measuring the ingredients and kneading the dough. I love experiencing the texture, knowing that in a matter of time, this gooey mess is going to (hopefully) turn into a beautiful, flaky crust with a warm, soft center. I love imagine it filling the tummies of my family, and seeing the delight spread across their faces. I love feeling like I am creating a tradition of nourishing those in our home, that I will hopefully pass down to Riley one day.

I can only hope and pray that she grows as fond of it as I have. And I pray that she sees me use it as a way to care for others, like I watched my mother do.

As I’ve been studying the book of Acts in the New Testament lately, I couldn’t help but pay special attention to this little gem found in chapter 2, verse 46: “And day by day, attending the temple together and breaking bread in their homes, they received their food with glad and generous hearts.”

I love how there was so much joy, gratitude, and fellowship surrounding bread during the earliest days of the church.

Even today, I have found that bread creates that same spirit of community. It is surrounding a table with bread and wine that the church corporately admits to our brokenness as people, and accepts the beautiful gift of Christ’s body broken for us and his blood shed for our sins. And it is usually around bread and wine that the community of the church deepens as we enjoy one another’s company, share our greatest joys or deepest pains, study God’s word, and pray together.

So without further ado, here is my current favorite bread recipe (i.e. the only one I have successfully created thus far) ;-). My hope is that you share it with others, use it to nourish and bless those around you, and that in doing so you find yourself enjoying deep fellowship, creating rich community!


Combine in mixer bowl:
-3 c. whole wheat flour
-1/2 c. dry milk
-1 T. salt
-2 pkg. dry yeast
-1/4 c. wheat germ (optional)

Heat in saucepan until warm:
-3 c. water
-1.2 c. honey
-2 T. oil

Pour warm (not hot) liquid over flour mixture. Beat with an electric mixer 3 minutes. Stir in:
-5ish additional c. whole wheat flour

Knead 5 minutes, using additional flour if necessary. Place in greased bowl, turn, let rise until double in bulk. Punch down, divide dough in half and shape into loaves. Place in greased 9×5″ bread pans. Cover and let rise 40-45 minutes. Bake at 375 for 40-45 minutes.

(From “More-with-Less” cookbook by Doris Janzen Longacre)





The Sword

Have you ever been caught talking out loud to yourself? The truth is that all of us talk to ourselves, even if it is not out loud. As a matter of fact, the person that we all talk to the most is ourselves! Have you ever thought about that before? Every day, from the moment we wake up until the moment we go to bed, we are having conversations with ourselves in our heads.

Especially if you’re an introvert like me. I can become so consumed with my daily internal processing, that I might forget to talk to other people ;-).

Lately I have been thinking a lot about the importance of scripture memory.

The Israelites in the Old Testament memorized and often recited scripture. When Jesus was tempted by Satan in the wilderness, he quoted scripture to defeat him. The apostle Peter instructs us, “…always being prepared to make a defense to anyone who asks you for a reason for the hope that is in you; yet do it with gentleness and respect” (1 Peter 3:15). Scripture shapes our lives and our beliefs. It is our defense against Satan and gives us the defense for the hope within us.

But lately I’ve been thinking about how we need to know scripture even as a defense against ourselves!

I don’t know about you, but it is easy for me to talk myself into things. It’s not too hard to be defensive either, always sticking up for myself in my head and convincing myself that I’m not wrong. It’s easy to get frustrated with others, and it’s easy to sway between self pity and pride.

Conversations with myself are not always the most edifying. As a matter of fact, I would advise myself to not listen to myself too often. It can lead to dangerous places.

So I need scripture to be a part of my self- talk. I need it as a voice to speak back to me.

Let me give a few examples of how this has been playing out for me recently:

1. When I fall into the mindset of needing to “fix” parts of my body that birthing a child changed, or I want to hold on to my slimmer post baby bod rather than giving away my body selflessly to have more children. When I am possessive over my “me-time” and my sleep and feel resistant to giving those things up in order to grow our family. When I am having an off-day with Riley and feel like I am about to lose my mind. Or even when I get so excited about the thought of having more children that I can barely contain the anticipation and I want to be encouraged in that, I can tell myself:
Psalm 127:3-5 “Behold children are a heritage from The Lord, the fruit of the womb a reward. Like arrows in the hand of a warrior are the children of one’s youth. Blessed is the man who fills his quiver with them! He shall not be put to shame when he speaks with his enemies in the gate.”

2. When I want to just give in to doing whatever the “bleep” I want. When I become possessive over the things I do for myself. When I want to bathe in thoughts of pride or thoughts of self-pity. When I am just consumed with vanity and obsess over what I look like or what I wear. When I want to give myself all of my attention. When I want to ignore the things I have learned about nutrition and eat whatever I want instead. When I think that life is found in self exploration and self actualization rather than service, I can tell myself:
1 Timothy 5:6 “But she who is self-indulgent is dead even while she lives.”

3. When I am tempted to feel like being a stay-at-home-mom/homemaker is not valuable. When I wonder if I’m making any difference at all. When I think about how God wants me to use this calling or when I think about and plan how to spend my days, I can tell myself:
1 Timothy 5:10 “and having a reputation for good works: if she has brought up children, has shown hospitality, has washed the feet of the saints, has cared for the afflicted, and has devoted herself to every good work.”

4. When I struggle with discontentment in my heart. When I start to covet what others have. When I get greedy and want to strive for the things of the world. When I think about how I want a big house, or an SUV, or nicer clothes, or more money, I can tell myself:
1 Timothy 6:6-8 “But godliness with contentment is great gain, for we brought nothing into the world, and we cannot take anything out of the world. But if we have food and clothing, with these we will be content.”

5. When my thoughts are consumed with fashion. When I want what I wear to create a certain identity for me. When I think that is where I attain my worth and worry about what other people think. When I use clothing as a way to make myself or see myself as “better” than others. When I want people to think a certain thing about me because of how I dress (meaning, embarrassingly, when I want others to covet what I have). When I use clothing as some sort of means to an end and am not humble in how I present myself, I can tell myself:
1 Timothy 2:9-10 “Likewise, I want women to adorn themselves with respectable apparel, with modesty and self-control, not with braided hair and gold or pearls or costly attire, but with what is appropriate for a woman who professes godliness– with good works.”

6. When I face opposition because of my faith in Jesus. When I am attacked (directly or indirectly) by another person. When someone hurts me intentionally. When I am mocked, made fun of, or disrespected. When others don’t understand the things I do because of my faith in Jesus, or strongly disagree with the way I live my life. When I am tempted to despair because the people pleaser in me is threatened, I can tell myself:
1 John 3:13 “Do not be surprised, brothers, that the world hates you.”

7. When I feel discouraged and defeated by difficult life circumstances and grieved by trials. When I get caught up in thinking about my life here and am tempted to forget about eternity, I can tell myself:
1 Peter 1:4-6 “to an inheritance that is imperishable, undefiled, and unfading, kept in heaven for you, who by God’s power are being guarded through faith for a salvation ready to be revealed on the last day. In this you rejoice, though now for awhile, if necessary, you have been grieved by various trials.”

And that is why scripture is called “the sword.” (Ephesians 6:17). It slashes the lies that we believe and follow, and sets our feet on the steady ground of truth.

What are some passages of scripture that you cling to?



Sweet Mother/Daughter Sleepover

Lately I’ve been thinking about how fast Riley’s little toddler life is zipping by.  I mean, I know every mom says that, “It goes by so fast! Blah, blah, blah”  but they say that because it is true.  Too true.

I have a mommy journal, which was one of my favorite baby gifts from a friend.  When Riley was an infant, I used it to record all of Riley’s milestones and cute things.  This was doable, because as an infant, she didn’t do much.  So updating the mommy journal, “Riley smiled today!”  “Riley rolled over onto her belly!”  was a simple and easy task.

Now that she is a toddler, she does about 983208 cute things per day.  Every time we notice something new and sweet she does, by the time I would write it down, she’s already started doing several other new, cute things.  So I don’t really update the mommy journal anymore.  It feels too daunting of a task.  How would I record everything that I want to?

Sometimes it scares me.  What if I can’t remember my favorite things she does?  It is hard to watch these sweet days slip right through my fingers.  As a matter of fact, as I rocked Riley while she slept yesterday, I prayed and asked the Lord to ingrain these sweet moments into my forever memory.  I don’t want to lose them.  One day Riley will be a 21 year old on her own, and I want to remember the things she did when she was 21 months old.

So I’m thankful for my little corner of the internet, where I cannot record everything, but can keep documentation of some of the sweetest days with Riley.

One of them happened a week ago.  A surprise mother/daughter sleepover at a hotel!

(Unfortunately, I don’t mean “surprise” as in I planned a surprise little getaway.  I mean surprise as in unexpected, last minute.)

I had been visiting some sweet friends in Charlotte (a few hours away) for a couple of days with Riley while Jordan was out of town.  On my drive back that Friday, in the middle of rush hour traffic, I got sick.  Sick as in, keeled over in pain sick.  In case you’ve never tried it before, you cannot really drive while keeled over.  Poor Jordan was far away when he got a call from me sobbing on the phone.  I didn’t know what to do.  I was at least 2 hours away from home (more with traffic), and an hour away from where I had just come from.  I had our daughter in the backseat and I was struggling to drive.  It was an awful feeling.  To have your child’s safety in your hands and to be unsure whether or not you can actually protect it… well I don’t need to tell you how much anxiety that produces.

Jordan advised me to get off the interstate immediately, find a hotel, and just stay the night there.

So I did.

The sweet lady working at the front desk could tell something was wrong and so kindly carried my bags up to our room.  I put cartoons on for Riley, and curled up into a ball on the bed.

Not an ideal circumstance, by any means.

However, within a couple of hours, I started feeling better.

And I started to think about how unique this opportunity was.  I mean, when else am I going to have a chance for it to be just Riley and I at a hotel?

So I decided to turn this into an opportunity to have a fun mother/daughter hotel sleepover :).


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Needless to say, it was really sweet time together.  As a matter of fact, it is one of my favorite memories with Riley :).

The best part was that she fell asleep for the night wrapped up in my arms as I rubbed her back, stroked her hair, and sang to her.  I remember closing my eyes as I breathed her in.  Her hands smelled like sugar cookies, and still had a little bit of icing on them.  The fluttering of her eye lashes told me she was dreaming deeply.  The rise and fall of her chest was so peaceful.

I just wanted to drink it all in.

And I want to drink it all in each day.  I don’t want these days to fly past me without taking the time to really appreciate them, notice them, and record them somewhere permanent in my memory.

Riley Grace, if you are reading this one day, I hope you know how much I loved these moments with you, and how much I love being your mommy. 


Finding our [food] Groove

I’ve really been into nutrition lately. I’ve been doing all sorts of research on food. On the one hand, it has been really fun and interesting; on the other, it’s about as frustrating and unhelpful as infant advice when you are a first time parent. Everything you read seems to contradict each other, even though each source has valid points and seemingly extensive research. So I’ve just been kind of taking it all in, talking to Jordan, praying, and trying to figure out where we stand in regards to how we eat and how I should feed my family. I’ve been fascinated to talk to all sorts of people about their views on food, what they think about some of the latest food trends (Paleo, Whole30, Gluten Free, etc). I love learning about what other people have processed regarding this topic! I enjoy being challenged in some of the view points I have come across, and have probably considered each one.

Over the past year I have gone sugar-free for awhile, I did gluten-free, and dairy-free for a little bit. I did Weight Watchers for a few months last fall (which is actually what launched me into finally losing the baby weight). I’ve read about Paleo, G-free, dairy-free, eating whole foods, homemade and DIY everything, etc. I’ve watched Food Inc., read articles about foods banned in other countries that are allowed in the US, have read and used the More-with-Less cookbook; I have looked into Nourishing Traditions, shopped at an Amish market, and have read some stuff on the opposing end too (meaning stuff that says processed food is ok, organic is a way to make money, etc).

Phew. I certainly have not exhausted my resources, but I wanted to share where we’ve landed, at least for now. I know that there will be judgies who read this, and I half-expect preachy comments. But I decided that I wanted to be able to look back on this one day, and want to share it with others in hopes to encourage. I would love to hear or read someone share some of this stuff, so maybe this will help someone else out there today.

I also wanted to follow up a bit from this blog post, where I talked about my mission to kind of “clean up” our eating and make nutritious, holistic efforts to care for our health and build our immune systems.

So here is what I have/haven’t stuck to, results we’ve seen, and what we have ultimately decided about our food theory:

I have made my own cleaning products and laundry detergent. I think I will keep doing this, simply because it is so much cheaper!! (However, if anyone has any advice as to how to make laundry detergent without having to shave a bar of soap, I gladly welcome it.)

I have been taking a daily super-food multivitamin from Whole Foods. I haven’t gotten sick even once in the past 3 months since I started this, so that is something! Riley and I were getting sick every other week for months straight. But you know, it is summer (aka not sick season), so that could be why. Regardless, I will keep taking these vitamins.

I haven’t made anything fermented.

I have quit using self tanner (for the most part). But that has less to do with chemicals and more to do with working through my tanorexia ;). I had purchased a couple of all natural self tanners on discount in the beginning though through Lavera, but they made my skin itch!

Eating more organic/local is what has been the toughest debate for us. It is so crazy expensive! I know that people say it’s worth the cost because you are saving long term on health expenses, and I get that. I even agree with it. But… that is easier to live by when you have a substantial salary. When you actually can afford it. Even in my most modest grocery trips and simple meals, the truth of the matter is that we just cannot afford to eat this way all the time.

After much stressing over our budget, I had to think about the choices that we’ve made and the sacrifices that come with it.

Even before we got pregnant with Riley, Jordan and I decided that I would stay home full time as a mom. This is not what is the best choice for everyone; I’m not saying that is the way everyone should do it. But I do know without a doubt that it is the absolute best choice for us. And with that choice comes sacrifices. Families that have working moms and/or two working parents have to make sacrifices too. That is kind of what choices are about anyway. We make choices for or against certain things and that comes with consequence, sacrifice, or compromise.

One of the ways that we have sacrificed for me to stay home with Riley is obviously income. We live off one ministry salary, so we have to make several different adjustments for that to work. One example is that we live in a small two bedroom apartment instead of owning a house. Another example is that we vacation through airbnb or generous friends offering their homes – we look for ways to save money on vacation. But another way that we are going to have to sacrifice is that I am not going to be able to feed my family the way that I ideally would like to.

This is what life is like. We count the costs and move forward with our choices, knowing what they imply. Sometimes we don’t have a choice and life is just about survival. But sometimes (especially for those of us in America) we decide which sacrifices we are or are not willing to make in order to live a certain way.

The way we eat is a sacrifice that I am willing to make in order to stay home and keep Jordan working in ministry.

We cannot live on a ministry salary, renting a small apartment, trying to get out of school debt, and eat grass fed beef. We just can’t.

In order to eat more local/organic/raw/homemade (can we just refer to it as LORH?) long term, we are going to have to lower our food standards a little bit short term in order to get to a more financially free place to eat and shop like that. As we save money on food, we put it towards debt and savings, and one day we will hopefully be free to purchase LORH food regularly.

All I can do is the best that I can with what we have. I can’t do the best I can in a way that is living outside of our means.

So what I will do is this:

I will still visit the local farmer’s market and will buy a few things here and there. Not enough to break our budget, but at least I’m supporting our local farmers in some way.

I will try to make my own bread. I haven’t attempted this yet, but I have high hopes! So long as they are not shattered, this is actually a hobby I would like to take on and it will be healthy for our family :).

I will try to limit our intake of white refined sugar and convenience foods, but I’m ok with us eating them in moderation.

I will feed my family as many vegetables and fruit as I possibly can.

I will shop at Aldi and get major bang for our buck. I mean, seriously. My grocery bill yesterday was $74, and that included TONS of produce (squash, cucumbers, celery, green bell peppers, tomatoes, onions, 2 packs of strawberries, grapes, watermelon, pears, and kiwi), a few different meats, snacks, canned goods, AND toiletries! I know, I know: pesticides! chemicals! But I bought some produce wash from Trader Joes, so hopefully that will help. We couldn’t afford to eat this much produce organic, so I count it a gift and I am thankful for Aldi and it’s incredible prices.

I will try to find the balance between not becoming a conspiracy theorist, assuming the FDA is the devil; but also not just blinding accepting all the “approved” foods and ingredients in the US and trusting whatever they say.

And who knows, maybe in a few years from now you will find me making my own butter and cheese, with a refrigerator full of local produce and a freezer that holds nothing but grass fed meat.

For those of you who have been doing research and figuring out your food groove too, I provide this for your entertainment: Enjoy 🙂



Our First Family Beach Vacation

Yesterday Riley, Jordan and I returned from a full week away on vacation at the beach!  It was the first time we’ve gone on vacation for more than a few days, and it was Riley’s first time ever at the beach.  It did not disappoint!  Having a full week away definitely brought us back more rested (or as rested as you can be from a vacation with an active toddler 😉 ), and Riley loved the beach (or “Oh-sen” as she calls it) more than we could have hoped.

In the car on the way to the beach.  All morning Riley and I had been singing, "Going to the ocean, going to the ocean, going to the ocean hey hey hey hey!" :)

In the car on the way to the beach. All morning Riley and I had been singing, “Going to the ocean, going to the ocean, going to the ocean hey hey hey hey!” 🙂

So here are some pictures along with highlights from our trip:

ImageFirst, we arrived at this beautiful water front house near Beaufort, NC where we stayed with 6 of our closest friends through the weekend!  Our friends Hannah and Chad were so generous to let all of us stay at their family beach house.  As you can see, it was huge and gorgeous.  It provided for a very fun weekend!

We arrived on Friday right in time for Riley’s nap, which was perfect.  We put her down in the pack & play, and immediately joined our friends laying on floats in the lake with drinks in hand.  Can you imagine a better way to kick off your vacation?!  I can’t :).

That night we grilled out: burgers, hot dogs, chicken, veggies, the whole deal.  Riley loved running around in the huge yard, swinging on the Hammock, and playing with her best friend Caley (pictured below).


Riley and her best friend Caley playing on the floor


I promise Riley enjoyed the hammock more than she seems to in this picture 😉

After Riley went to bed, the rest of us stayed up late (or late in my opinion, anyway), talked, and played Apples to Apples.

The next day, we went boating, spent a few hours at the beach, some of us took afternoon naps, then the guys watched Riley while the ladies sat outside drinking wine and chatting (glorious), Riley went to bed, we made sweet potato/black bean burritos for dinner, sat outside eating and laughing for hours, and wrapped the night up with a hilarious game of fishbowl :).  In other words, an ideal evening with friends.

Riley and Teddy, waiting on everyone else to get ready before heading to the beach

Riley and Teddy, waiting on everyone else to get ready before heading to the beach

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Still waiting patiently

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Boat ride snuggles, my favorite part of the weekend!

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Riley is our little Sand Baby 🙂

The beach really wore her out!

The beach really wore her out!

The next day, I was able to have a little “me time” out on the dock by myself, mimosa in hand, listening to worship music.  That time was so sweet, and good for my soul.  I needed to talk to Jesus about a few things.  Because even as idyllic as our outside circumstances may have been, internally I was struggling with a few things that even a vacation cannot erase.  Thankfully, Jesus is alive, he lives in me, and he met with me in the midst of my raw emotions that weekend.

Four of our friends headed out that day, and Jordan, Riley and I stayed one last night with Hannah and Chad.

A family pic taken before we left

A family pic taken before we left

That Monday, we headed to our second beach destination: Wrightsville Beach!  For this part of our trip, we found an awesome deal via  An adorable little condo 2 miles from the beach, for half the price of a hotel (umm, hello $58/night!).  We had a bedroom, bathroom, kitchen, living room, pool access, and tennis court access.  Way better than a hotel when you have a toddler :).

We went to the beach for a couple of hours each morning, came back for lunch and Riley’s nap (between 11-2 or 12-3, depending), then headed back to the beach after she woke up, until around 5 or 6pm.  Then we would head back for dinner and get Riley ready for bed.

We brought all of our own groceries, and cooked most of our meals there, but splurged on one delicious lunch out on the Marina.  In the evenings, Jordan and I would drink wine, read, and watch movies or catch up on Season 4 of Parenthood.  It was very relaxing!

Day 1, heading to the beach!

Day 1, heading to the beach!

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(oh yea by the way, I’ve cut all my hair off. As you can see.)

I love this picture.

I love this picture.

There's no laying around reading on the beach when you have a busy toddler ;-)

There’s no laying around reading on the beach when you have a busy toddler 😉

Our little sand baby, at it again!

Our little sand baby, at it again!

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I wasn't kidding.  Girl loves some sand.

I wasn’t kidding. Girl loves some sand.

We still had to build forts, and read books together at the end of the day:

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One morning, Riley and I gave Jordan some time to nap and rest (he had been so sweet and had been getting up with Riley each morning), so we had a little mommy/daughter date out for coffee and apple juice :).  Then we went shoe shopping, since we were not smart and let Riley wear her shoes in the water, which meant one of them is now lost at sea.  (And we were also not smart in that those were the only shoes we had packed for the trip.)  So, Riley and I were on a mission for new “pibby” (pretty) shoes.  It ended up being sweet time together (although I had to dissuade her from some “pibby” shoes with huge, obnoxious flowers on them that she couldn’t even walk in).

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Riley loves a good cup of apple juice.  And a cool straw doesn't hurt.

Riley loves a good cup of apple juice. And a cool straw doesn’t hurt.

We ended our trip with a sweet goodbye to our airbnb host.  She even bought us two Wrightsville Beach coffee mugs for souvenirs!  She was so sweet, we really enjoyed getting to know her throughout the week.  We would highly recommend her place to anyone looking for somewhere to stay at the beach, and we would love to stay there again sometime.

And then we headed to the beach one last time, before returning home.

Our little beach-ready diva

Our little beach-ready diva

Cracking open an iced cold juice box on a hot but beautiful beach day

Cracking open an ice cold juice box on a hot but beautiful beach day


Happy summer!