Last Sunday during the sermon being preached at church, I was mentally running through ideas of things that I probably needed to fast from in my life, when this thought occurred to me: I wish I could fast from myself.
Seriously though. I was just having a morning where I was soooooo sick of myself! Do you ever have moments (or days. or weeks) like that? I felt so aware of how incredibly selfish I am. I mean really, every single little thing in my life is about me, even when I don’t think it is. When Riley has a rough night, I think about how hard it is for me to lose sleep. When she has a great night or day, I think about how great and helpful that is to me. I countdown the hours (or minutes) until naptime or bedtime so that I can have “me” time. When Jordan and I get into tiffs or have some sort of tension between us, I primarily think about how it affects me and how I feel. When someone says or does something that causes me to feel a certain way, I focus on the way it makes me feel rather than on what might be going on with them. When I do wrong things, it is because I was thinking only about myself and wanting instant gratification. When I do right things, it makes me feel good about myself and think about what a good person I am. Even the most selfless of deeds in my life, are still kind of about me. Because they make me feel good. They make me feel like I’m doing a good job. When I am most keenly aware of my failures, I sulk in self pity. When I am most joyful in my victories, I glow in self righteousness. Me, me, me, me, self, self, self, self… are you getting tired of it yet? I know I sure am.
I mean shoot, even my blog points to myself in many ways. Even though I fully believe that this blog is a great outlet for me, a hobby that I enjoy, and a gift that God has given me; even though I have seen that God has used it (and is using it) to work in others’ lives and draw them closer to Him and it is a ministry in many ways, it still has me all over it and I cannot divorce even my most selfless writing from myself. Even though God gets glory from the things I write about, if we’re honest I get a little glory too.
Ugh, and it’s just exhausting. I feel like I need a vacation from myself.
Tonight while frustrated with these things, I had this thought: I must be an annoying daughter to have.
The God of the Universe is my Father, and He calls me daughter. Psh. Bad call on His part, right? I’m so wrapped up in myself, I must be a really annoying daughter for Him to have.
But then something else came to me. Almost immediately and powerfully as if it were from a source outside of my own heart, this stronger image struck me: my own daughter, Riley. Would I ever, ever call her an annoying daughter to have? NEVER IN A MILLION YEARS!!! It doesn’t matter if it was the worst, most difficult day with her. Even on a day full of tantrums, and constant displays of how self consumed she is (hello, welcome to toddler life), I am still nothing short of enthralled with that little beauty. I would still post 29389872 pictures of her on Instagram, give a Facebook shout out to the cute and silly things she does, get teary eyed when I think about how much she is growing, and watch videos of her with my husband before we go to bed.
What humbling, sweet truth that is. Even on my worst days when God sees all of the things I listed above in me, His response is: “I am still nothing short of enthralled with that little beauty.” As silly as it may sound, I think if God had an Instagram account, pictures of me would be posted on there. Of you too. Scripture is clear in communicating that, as His daughter, He delights in me and I can never quite imagine just how deep and strong His love and affections are for me.
I even believe that part of having the opportunity to be a parent is to help us to understand that more tangibly.
I don’t need a “vacation from myself.” I need a Savior from myself. And He already came. He bought me with His blood, my mistakes, failures, self obsession and all. He did what I could not, to give me what I could not attain.
So tonight I can rest assured, knowing that my Father adores me. NEVER IN A MILLION YEARS would He think that I am an annoying daughter to have.
Sweet, sweet Grace.