It’s been awhile since I’ve blogged, so I figured I should give at least 1 more pregnancy update (Lord knows I hope this is my last week of pregnancy to have to update you on!) before the long-awaited arrival of baby girl :).
For those of you who have had children, you know exactly where I’m at right now. Every night I go to bed hoping for the next day to be baby girl’s birthday, and the next night I go to bed disappointed that it wasn’t. I have come to loathe Braxton Hicks contractions (although I am thankful that they are apparently stretching those muscles which will help in labor), simply because I get too excited thinking they are real contractions and end up being left disappointed again. This past weekend we had a mini false alarm. Friday night I had 3 contractions so we thought they would continue and become consistent but they never did.
Needless to say, I am ready to get this show on the road, and my body is getting ready for the big event! Jordan, on the other hand, would be happy for her to be late so that we could have a little more time with just the two of us and go on a few more dates. While I have thoroughly enjoyed our little dates lately (dinner, out to lunch, movies, coffee, game night), I have to lovingly remind him that he is not carrying a “mini watermelon” as my pregnancy update said this week (which by the way, isn’t mini watermelon an oxymoron? I don’t see anything mini about a watermelon…).
Everyone will tell you that this is the uncomfortable stage of pregnancy and that is true. But for me (and I realize that everyone carries differently) it is not just discomfort it is outright painful. According to the doctor my daughter is really low, and this creates a ton of pain in my pelvis. It hurts to walk, stand up, I can barely lift my legs (Jordan usually has to help me by lifting my legs to get into the car, it’s pretty humorous) and every now and then there will be a really sharp, stabbing pain where I have to curl over a chair or something. Which I try as hard as possible to avoid when in public, for fear of someone calling 911 thinking I’m in labor or something…
Oh and have I mentioned that I have gained nearly 50 lbs in this pregnancy?! My doctor told me in the beginning that I should gain between 25-35 lbs. Yea, that’s real funny now. I am 5’1″ and feel about the size of a city. There is a reason I stopped taking weekly pregnancy pictures months ago. The only thing I hold onto is the idea that since I’m so short and petite, my body had to put on extra weight in order to carry this big baby (Dr. said she is big- I believe it!) So maybe it doesn’t work that way and I’m just lying to myself, but don’t tell me if I am. Let me live in denial and believe this for my own sanity ;-).
But way more than the pain, discomfort, and weight gain I am just so eager and excited to meet my daughter! I have trouble falling asleep at night because it feels like Christmas when I know about a huge present I’m getting that I want so bad, but I have to wait! I just picture myself holding her and loving her and finally touching the itty bitty feet that I feel kick me everyday. Sometimes I get freaked out thinking, “what if I can’t get her to stop crying?” or picture images of myself accidentally banging her head against a doorway or dresser, or dropping her. But for the most part, I just want to hold her precious little self in my arms :).
One thing that has been weighing on my mind a lot lately that I will share with you is how I feel caught somewhere in the middle of “mommy world” and the world of my peer friends who are not in a place where they are thinking about kids yet. It’s a strange place to be, and I don’t know how to navigate it yet. I am thankful to have met many women who have little ones, but most of them are older than me and have done it for a little while so it can sometimes feel like a student-teacher relationship. On the other hand I have my amazing peer friends that I have been blessed with, but I’m about to enter into a new life stage that they are not in and my life is going to start looking very different. From “mommy world” I get really overwhelmed, intimidated and sometimes feel really small by all of the advice and “read this” “read that” “try this method” “don’t do things that way” (although I know it is all out of caring hearts and good intentions just wanting to help). But from my peer friend world, I sometimes feel the pressure to be the cool hip mom who still goes to all the girls’ nights, doesn’t let baby’s naps interrupt coffee or lunch dates, and maintains the same level of friendship with all of them. While that sounds wonderful to me, the more I do read about healthy sleep for babies and life with an infant I realize that it is just not going to be possible at times, my life is going to change, and I’m not going to have the capacity to be as available as I once was. I am thankful for good friendships where I feel the freedom to be honest about these things and how I feel, but I know it will be a big challenge for me since I am a huge people pleaser and will want whoever I am talking to/with at the time to approve of how I’m doing things. I pray that I will grow in confidence to be able to stand with conviction and freedom in the ways that Jordan and I decide to parent as we learn our daughter’s personality and temperament and what is best for her. I also pray that I will feel the freedom to be myself and use my personality and gifts as a parent. For example, I am a complete type “B” personality and not good at structure or planning so type “A” parenting is just not going to work for me and I want to be ok with that. I want to have the freedom to be a laid back (but intentional) mom who laughs a lot and enjoys her children richly, as my mom did.
I’ll leave you with a recent article from the NY Times that gave me good perspective on all of this: http://www.nytimes.com/2011/10/16/opinion/sunday/notes-from-a-dragon-mom.html?_r=1&src=tp&smid=fb-share
Thanks for following me through this journey of pregnancy! I look forward to posting about my birth story and meeting my daughter soon 🙂 Just for fun, I thought I would leave you with 2 ultrasound picture of her. The first one was when we first found out we were pregnant, the 2nd is at 19 weeks (I think she looks sassy, and it looks like she’s waving at us). It’s so crazy to think that she was the size of a sesame seed in the beginning! Can’t wait to see what she looks like in person 🙂