Storage Full

The other day I pulled out my phone to take a picture of my kids but my to my dismay, I could not take a picture. My phone storage was full. At capacity. No room for any more pictures.

I can relate to my phone. Lately I feel like I am always at full storage.  I’m always feeling overwhelmed.  And stressed out.  As a introverted, Highly Sensitive Person, being with two little people (who are also extremely needy and demanding) means that I am at max capacity at.all.times.  My relational margin feels very narrow, and yet I have a lot going on. A lot of commitments.  A lot of weekly plans.

My system is in overdrive.  My internal systems are screaming at me, “FULL storage!  No room!”

Honestly, the transition to two kids has been difficult for me.  This has been humbling and perhaps even a little embarrassing at times.   I always had this picture in my head of what kind of mother I would be.  In my mind, I was just going to love having little babies around!  I would snuggle them all day, I would be engaging and filled with joy at all times. These little blessings would total satisfy the longings of my heart.

And for the most part, that is actually what my first few years with Riley were like.  I’m sure that I was sometimes that annoying mom who just posted all of these pictures and blog posts that made everything look so blissful.  Because honestly, it kind of was!  Especially years 1 -2 and a half!  She was a pretty easy and we would have sweet little days together.  It was rich.  I deeply enjoyed it, and tried to soak it in. And I was able to because I was getting breaks.  She would take 3 hour daily naps (it’s true) and had an early bed time.

And then I had another kid.

Copeland honestly is the easiest baby I could ever imagine, which is part of why I feel embarrassed for thinking that it’s hard.  He is easy, but he is still a baby.  Which means he needs to eat (a lot.  Off of  my body for that matter) and be burped and changed and put down for naps and tended to in the middle of the night.  All while also taking care of a demanding 3-year old who no longer naps and is also waking up in the middle of the night with nightmares.

I’m exhausted.  And maxed out.  I feel like I have nothing left over at the end of the day, and somehow I keep running on fumes for so many other things.

Storage FULL. Internal systems screaming “May – day! May – day!”.

So this year is a year of some major simplifying. I’ve been trying to practice saying “no” frequently (which is very difficult for me!).  I’m giving myself the permission to scale down to the bare minimum: Meeting with the Lord. Tending to my kids.  Tending to my marriage.  Taking care of myself.  Eating, sleeping (when possible) and sometimes showering😉.  I’ve stepped down from church leadership positions.  I’m unapologetically setting boundaries around my life that will allow me to function well as a daughter of God, wife, and mother of two as I am.  Me, Krystal.  Not some other person I look at who has a higher capacity for being around people, or some figment of my imagination created by Pinterest.

Unapologetically.

Maybe that will be my word for the year.

Unfortunately,  I have lived too much of the past 30 years of my life trying to please people and get people to like me.  I struggle to say “no” and I’ve believed the lie that I have to prove myself through ministry and involvement.  When I speak up and try to set a boundary, I am apologetic about it.

But that life is only leading me to burnout, and staying home with two is forcing me into a new place of forming healthy and protective boundaries.

I have a feeling that God has a lot for me in this season, and I need the margin to hear and receive.  I love when He leads us into new places of freedom, beside the still waters.

I have a feeling it’s going to be a good year❤.

 

 

KM.

Fully embracing minimal makeup, the top knot, and cheap coffee.  It's a season of low standards, my friends ;).

Fully embracing minimal makeup, the top knot, and cheap coffee. It’s a season of low standards, my friends😉.

The Vegan Roundup

So, did I end up sticking with the vegan thing?

Drum-roll please…

No.

But I ended up in a great place!

Full disclosure, I didn’t finish up the whole month of purely vegan eating – I ended after 3 weeks. But it was after consulting with Stacy.

After two great weeks of vegan eating where I felt good and full and enjoyed what I was eating, it got much harder. Primarily because my daily life just got harder. Copeland went through (and is still going through) the 4 month sleep regression, Riley started going through potty regression, and Jordan went out of town for 7 days. In my sleep deprived state, constantly nursing an infant and cleaning up toddler potty accidents, it was pretty difficult to keep up with all of the food prep I would need to do to. And what started happening was that if I didn’t already have enough stuff prepared, I just wouldn’t feed myself enough, in order to try and stay faithful to the project. That is no good. I told Stay that I was having a hard time keeping myself fed and was feeling hangry and she said, “hangry = scary.”

She also said, “I’m so glad you committed to this month, but it was a big jump… It’s a big jump for the body, mind, and adjusting to schedule/cooking. I’m all about big jumps – as our bodies need the foods you’ve been fueling them with for good health, but sometimes big jumps can be hard.
After this month I hope that you’ll keep tons of plants in your diet for long-term health (keeping cholesterol low, preventing heart disease, cancer, and remaining low on toxic stuff), but that of course, doesn’t mean you need to be vegan. I adjusted to this lifestyle and can’t imagine doing anything else. It’s what I crave. But, you can be absolutely healthy keeping the base of your diet the way it is and adding in some of your favorites from the past if you desire.”

Talking to Stacy was exactly what I needed. I decided to add a little meat back into my diet and if I was hungry, I would eat even if it meant I wasn’t eating a strictly vegan diet.

I don’t feel that I was unfaithful to the project, I still came away with what I had hoped! Which is a better habit of fueling my body with the right foods. I will eat meat, but much less of it. I am trying to focus on what I do want to eat (more plant foods!), and trying to cook at home more frequently, with whole and nourishing foods.

I will say that I have found many times (even before this project) that dairy seems to have a big affect on me. I have stomach pain any time I consume a beverage with milk or eat anything with a high density of cheese or sour cream. So moving forward, I am going to still try to limit my dairy intake.

Part of why I wanted to go to the extreme of veganism was because I knew that if I could accomplish vegan, then it would seem all the easier to land where I actually wanted to – at a more whole foods, plant based diet than I had been eating. And it happened – since I had adjusted to veganism, it really isn’t hard to now take a few steps back and still stay on the healthy track!

In our last conversation about the project Stacy said:
“I’m beyond happy that you feel as though you have a transformed view on the way you eat and treat your body. That’s exactly what I desire for anyone I work with or simply relate to about food. Like you said, its SO fine you’re not sticking with a vegan diet, because the point is sticking to a sustainable lifestyle where you fuel your body well so you can feel well and perform the responsibilities God has given you each day with greater ease and joy rather than being bogged down with unnecessary health issues.”

And I think that is the perfect summary for this project! Moving forward I am trying to maintain a sustainable lifestyle where I fuel my body well. I’m so grateful to Stay for helping me to get there!

If you have been wanting or trying to work towards a more whole foods, less processed diet but really struggle to get there (like I did), I highly recommend Stacy’s services! Let’s be honest, sometimes these things are just difficult to achieve on our own. To learn more about how consulting with Stacy works, you can read more here.

And even if you’re not interested in enlisting her services, you should check out her blog! I love this article on why counting calories will not serve us.

Again, I just want to point out that this is not a sponsored post. Stacy has not asked me nor paid me to promote her services. I just simply love what she is doing and have benefited from it in my own life, so I want to pass it on! I am also proud of her for taking a long growing passion of hers and turning it into a business that blesses others. Stacy, you are such a gem in this world and I am blessed to know you!

Thanks for following along on this experiment!

KM.

Also: breakfast cookies and combinations of sweet potatoes & black beans are now on constant rotation in this household!

The Only Lullaby

I was recently watching the movie Philomena, when I felt it. The sadness boiling up again, threatening to spill over and burn every part of me.

In the movie (spoiler alert), Philomena’s 3 year old son is taken away from her, against her will. She watches as he is crying and fighting and driving away with his new family.

I couldn’t stop the tears. Although I have never had to watch my child being adopted out to someone else, I have experienced the raw grief of having a child taken from me against my will. Her child was taken from the monastery where she lived; mine was taken from my womb.

I have recently started going to counseling (highly recommend it). Between the loss of Salem, the shooting an murder of our neighbors, and a couple of other huge things that have happened this past year, it seemed it would be foolish not to seek some outside help. Praise Jesus for professional counselors. Anyway, at one of my recent sessions, we talked about the loss of Salem for the first time. My therapist pointed out how my body was physically responding as we spoke. That I looked like my body was trying to pull itself into fetal position, but I kept fighting it.

A year and a half has passed, and to most of the world he has probably been forgotten. The world, after all, never got the chance to know him. I never got the chance to know him, although I have been changed by him.

Sometimes when I’m holding Copeland, I think of Salem. Copeland has my blue eyes, light hair, and fair skin. What would Salem have looked like? Copeland has my laid back nature and shares my love for sleep. What would Salem be like, as a 4 month old? Would he be a good sleeper or would I be up with him all night? Would he be laid back like his mama and his brother, or more proactive and ambitious like his father and his sister?

And sometimes I feel guilty, thinking of Salem while I’m holding Copeland. After all, if Salem had lived, Copeland would have never been born. It’s such a tricky thing and you just cannot follow all the feelings down their own paths to sort it all out. It’s just messy and mucky and it doesn’t fit together in a tidy way that can be explained. I wish I didn’t lose Salem. I wish he was here with me right now. I also cannot imagine my life without Copeland. And I want him with me right now too. They are both mine and both loved.

But I’ve started to notice that thinking of Salem while I hold Copeland doesn’t take away from the sweetness of the moment. On the contrary, it makes me realize just how much of a gift my little rainbow baby is. My appreciation for Copeland is even richer and deeper, because of his brother who I never got to hold.

In this time in our Western world society, we don’t know what to do with grief. We treat it as something we need to just eventually get over. A hurdle that we are meant to get over. Something that eventually has to move into our past, as a faint memory. That is so sad to me, and so wrong.

No, grief is not an obstacle. It is an end in itself. It is not something we must get over, but a pure and beautiful expression of love.

So I want to embrace the grief that will remain with me for the rest of my life. It may feel different as each year passes, but it is a part of my life from now until eternity. It is my love for my son. The ache and cry of my heart is the song I sing to him. The only lullaby that will exist between us.

This is a painting given to us by dear friends, that made them think of "peace" - the meaning of Salem's name.

This is a painting given to us by dear friends, that made them think of “peace” – the meaning of Salem’s name.

KM.

Livin La Vida Vegan

Well today wraps up two full weeks of livin la vida loca! I mean Vegan. Same thing😉. It’s starting to feel pretty normal now. I feel amazing internally (this is the healthiest I have ever eaten in my life) and externally (I’ve lost 5 lbs!). So that is motivating!

On day 7, I did hit a huge wall of cravings. I was pretty grumpy that day. I woke up really wanting bacon and eggs (which is kind of strange because I do not normally eat that for breakfast), and then had to exercise some major self-control while I watched my sister and Riley eat pizza for lunch that day. But the next day the craving storm had passed, and I was surprised to find that the Lord had something for me in that.

I had just finished the book “The Best Yes” by Lysa Terkeurst and in googling something about it I came across a daily online devotional she wrote called “Made to Crave.” It is for women trying to embrace a healthy lifestyle, learning what it means to fill our deep soul cravings with Christ, not food. I realized that I really do look to food for a level of comfort that only God can provide. If I’m having a hard day my first response is most often to go to a Starbucks drive thru (or Chick-fil-a or _____ insert drive thru here), or ask Jordan if we can do takeout for dinner. Which means I’m always overspending on our food budget! Instead of looking to God for help in the hardship, I immediately think about what type of food or beverage I want to comfort me. Removing animal products entirely from my diet has prevented me from being able to do that (to some extent), and it has actually been pretty freeing. To have that option removed from me, I have been forced to take my hard days before the Lord instead.

After the middle of last week, things got much easier! Stacy told me that our taste buds actually renew every 10-14 days. How cool (and weird) is that? And I have found it to be true. A huge turning point for me was this past Sunday. We were driving to meet some friends for lunch at California Pizza Kitchen. I had looked up their menu online to see what is Vegan-friendly (not much – in case you were wondering) and narrowed it down to the roasted vegetable salad with lemon herb vinaigrette. But as we drove there, Jordan and I talked about the possibility of cheating and just getting pizza. Once we got there and looked at the pizza menu though, I found that it actually didn’t even sound good to me! In all honesty, the roasted vegetable salad sounded more appealing. And it was delicious. I didn’t once regret ordering it instead of pizza. Jordan did regret getting pizza.

I’m not sure I would be willing to embrace a life without pizza, but in the past few days I haven’t even wanted the things I used to crave. That is really saying something!

To wrap it up, here are a few game changers (for me):
-The fact that wine and dark chocolate are Vegan! Although you do need to check the labels on chocolate.
-Nutritional Yeast. Sounds weird, but it adds a cheesy flavor to food and is super good for you.
-Trader Joes’ veggie burgers and sweet potato fries- a great alternative for when I’m craving fast food! (er… I mean… I don’t crave fast food… eh hem.)😉
-Breakfast cookies! My favorite is just bananas, oats, peanut butter, dark chocolate chips, and a little bit of sea salt.

My favorite dinner recipe so far this week has been these mini Mexican pizzas that Stacy has listed on her “favorite recipes” page of her website. Pretty much any type of Vegan Mexican recipe that involves lime juice, cilantro and avocado is a winner in my book.

Two more weeks to go of this plant-based diet experiment! I’ll check in again soon!

Until Then,

KM.

Letting Ron Swanson Down (Vegan Experiment, Day 5)

So here we are, 5 days into the Vegan experiment. It has actually been much easier than I had anticipated and I feel AMAZING. Seriously. Sometimes (prior to these past 5 days) when I eat a particularly greasy or unhealthy meal I will say, “Ugh, my body hates me,” when I finish. These past 5 days have been the complete opposite. After each meal I eat, I feel like my body is thanking me. I know that sounds so cheesy, but it’s as if I can just feel the nutrients coursing through my body!

I think part of why I had expected this experiment to be harder is because when I did the Sugar Free experiment a couple of years ago, I felt like I was dying a few days in. So I expected to feel the same way with this. I was going through major withdrawals and cravings. But there are no withdrawals from animal products and I’ve been surprised that I haven’t craved them either. I’ve been feeling satisfied with the tasty things I have been eating, so I haven’t wanted anything different. And I’ve been surprised that I haven’t felt hungry – I have felt full from what I have eaten throughout the day each day. I’ve been sure to get plenty of protein and healthy fats.

One thing that has really surprised me is that my milk supply has increased! As a breastfeeding mother, that was one concern I had going into this experiment – would it decrease my milk supply? But quite the contrary, 3 days in my milk supply had increased significantly! Dumbfounded by this, I texted Stacy and did some research. Apparently the foods you should eat to increase your milk supply are oats, green vegetables, and healthy fats (from olive oil, avocados, and coconut oil) – all of which I am eating quite a bit of, so I guess that explains it!

Oh also, days 2 and 3 I really felt the, umm, detoxing. I’ll leave it at that😉. But a plant – based, vegan diet will definitely regulate your digestive system!

Moving on.

Here are some things I’ve learned in just the past 5 days:

– Planning ahead really helps. With the craziness of taking care of two littles everyday, I knew that if I didn’t plan well, this wasn’t going to work. I need to have things that I can grab and eat, and things that are fast and simple to prepare. Stacy really helped with this. I used some meal planning sheets that she gave me, and planned out two weeks worth of breakfasts, lunches, and dinners. That way I know ahead of time how much time it will take to prepare the meals I have planned, I can make some things in advance so that they are just on hand when I need them, and I don’t have to waste time or get discouraged trying to figure out what to eat each day.
– Always keep snacks on hand! I have made sure to always keep nuts, fruit, and larabars or vegan protein bars in my purse. That way if I’m hungry while I’m out, I’m not tempted to buy food on the go but it also assures that I won’t end up hungry (which is very important to me since I’m nursing).
– If you plan on meeting people out at a restaurant, look at the menu ahead of time and figure out what you can eat. If there aren’t really any options, eat something before you go. We went out to Applebee’s for my sister-in-law’s birthday, and there were exactly two items on the menu that passed the vegan test:
IMG_4753

Sweet potato fries and chips with salsa. So, that was my dinner! Not very filling, or healthy. Which leads me to the next thing:
– “Vegan” doesn’t necessarily mean healthy. I could eat Oreo’s (yes, they are vegan!), french fries, and coke everyday and still technically be vegan. But the goal is not to simply avoid animal products, the goal is to eat a more whole foods, plant heavy diet. It’s not as much about what you don’t eat, but what you do eat. I’ve had to remind myself of this because, trust me, I am an expert at finding loopholes😉.
– While it’s not super cheap to eat this way, it also isn’t as expensive as I thought. Turns out animal products can be pretty expensive so cutting them out helps the grocery bill!
IMG_4745

Favorite things I’ve eaten so far:

These honey lime sweet potato & black bean tacos, just without the cheese & sour cream. So delicious! Jordan loves them too.

Creamy Avocado Pasta from Oh She Glows

Overnight oats for breakfast the next day (here are some recipes that Stacy recommends)

For a quick, simple DELICIOUS meal – I discovered Trader Joes falafel (in the frozen section), stuffed it in whole wheat pita pockets with sliced cucumbers, kalamata olives, and Trader Joes Mediterranean hummus. Yum! As a mother of two, I always need some easy go- to meals that I can throw together on a whim, and this one is a winner!

So overall the vegan experiment summary (thus far) is that I love it!

I’m sorry to let you down, Ron Swanson.

"Would you like to sample our vegan bacon?  100% meatless."

“Would you like to sample our vegan bacon? 100% meatless.”

nature-is-amazing_c_1357907

The Vegan Experiment

Hi, my name is Krystal and I am a food hypocrite.

It’s true. I love learning about nutrition! In my spare time I am nerdy and do research on food and how it affects our bodies and I watch documentaries and get all excited about it. I tell my husband about the things I learn (because he LOVES hearing all about it😉 ). And then I eat ice cream.

Apparently it’s hereditary, this food hypocrisy. Before my wedding, my mom and I decided to go on the Atkins diet (highly do not recommend). This is a conversation I had with my mom a few days into it:

Me: How are you doing on the diet, mom?
Mom: I’m doing great! Well except that I ate a slice of pizza for lunch. And had a coke with it. And had a sub last night. And ice cream… oh man, I’m not doing good at all!

See? Hereditary food hypocrisy.

The past two years I have been on a journey to better health, wanting to see if making some lifestyle changes would improve the way I feel. Anyone who knows me well knows that I am sick all.the.time. Like, every other day. I’ve had such bad sinus issues and allergies for years, and I seem to get anything and everything that goes around. My immune system seems defunct at times. But my journey has been more of a two steps forward, one step back process. I’ve been more aware of how different foods affect my body (for example, I seem to have a difficult time digesting dairy and feel much better when I don’t have it). But I have no self control and I love gluten, dairy, sugar, and soda.

More recently though, I have been more motivated to work on my health because, among a few other health issues, my cholesterol is pretty high (Oh hi there “30” thanks for welcoming me into the aging process). I’ve been intrigued by some of the health benefits of a plant based diet, including how it helps lower cholesterol. There is also a lot of cancer in both of our families unfortunately, so I have been intrigued by some studies on how animal products may play a role in that. But in order to really make such a big change in my eating habits, I would need help. I need someone to help me, who can kind of get me started, guide me along, answer questions, and I need accountability.

Enter Stacy.

Stacy is one of my best friends from college and she recently became a certified nutrition counselor. She has a really cool website (http://www.thenourishinghealth.com/) and offers some really awesome services (counseling sessions, clean sweep kitchen consultations, grocery store tours, and group sessions!). I am so excited about what she does and have loved reading her stuff and learning from her! Stacy is such a fun person and easy to be around. Her approach to food is a whole foods, plant based approach, but she it totally not judgmental about it! Her goal is to educate and help people to transition to a more plant-based diet – even if that just means moving from 10% to 30 or 50%. It doesn’t have to mean going vegan!

I’ve always watched Stacy’s plant-based lifestyle from a bit of a distance. I never really asked her much about it, and she is not one of those people who is preachy or pushy about it. So I always just chalked it up to being a little quirk about her😉. But as I started reading her website and blog posts I felt like I got a better glimpse into her plant-based life and I wanted to try it for myself. I’m just curious about how it would make me feel.

So, with Stacy’s help, I am embarking on a one month vegan experiment! Starting today until May 15 I will not eat any animal products. I am going to eat a balanced, whole foods diet. Vegetables, fruits, whole grains, beans, nuts and legumes are my new best friends. I’m going to document this one month project here on the blog. I’ll share what the experience is like for me, how I feel, and will include tips, tricks, and recipes that Stacy helps we with, and also any mistakes I make or things I learn the hard way.

Today was the first day and I’m sure it will get harder, but so far so good! I ate:
For breakfast: overnight oats
for snack: nuts and fruit
for lunch: a salad made with mixed greens (swiss chard, spinach, kale) topped with dates, dried cranberries, cashews, apples, and a vinaigrette dressing. I had pita chips & hummus on the side.
Dinner: rice & beans (cooked with diced tomatoes, green chilies, garlic powder and cumin) topped with lime juice, cilantro, and avocado and wrapped in a whole grain tortilla.

I was surprised that I didn’t feel hungry or deprived at all today, but felt full and satisfied. I’m looking forward to working with Stacy this month and seeing what happens! Be sure to check out her beautiful website! (Also: She is not paying me to do this or write this.)


OK and now it’s time for the disclaimers:

Food is a very sensitive topic. It’s kind of up there with religion and politics. And I know this in part because I have been sensitive to it at times. For some reason it’s easy to hear someone say they are eating a _____ (Fill in the blank – Vegan, Vegetarian, Paleo, Gluten- Free, or sugar free diet, etc.) and take it personally. I’m not really sure why that is, but I know I have felt that before too. Maybe it’s feeling or fearing judgement? My disclaimer is that I am not making any sort of statement here about how everyone should eat. This is simply my own personal experiment that I am curious about, and I will just be sharing my own experience with it. No judging here because umm, hello I have the McDonald’s app on my phone.

Also: Please don’t be concerned about my eating. I am working with a professional. I’m not doing anything dangerous. I’ll be making sure to get all of the fat, calories, and nutrients my body needs.

Feel free to follow along with me on this journey – I will put “vegan experiment” in the category tags if you want to read along! If not, you can just ignore these posts, I will still continue to blog about other life thoughts too.

KM.